Never Say Never

Our too-short trip to Morgantown was wonderful and so greatly needed. We made it to our nephew Mason's high school graduation... which was just so hard to believe. We didn't get too much time with Nathan's brother or sister and their families, but we'll take what we can get. Saturday was Eric and Caroline day. We miss them so badly. Caroline and I talk on the phone regularly, but to see them and just pick up where we left off was so wonderful. Their babies are so beautiful and adorable. Last time we saw them, Caroline was still pregnant Anne. So much changes between one visit and the next. If there was ever a time to be with our best friends... it was then. And just being with Nathan's parents and Grandma was definitely what we needed. Sunday morning before we left town we went to church with Nathan's parents. And we were really touched by the words of a friend and father-to-be. Praying with someone who truly understands is a very indescribable feeling. So while the weekend was brief... it was exactly what we needed.

While the anxiety of the HSG has left, new anxieties have arisen. I'm not so anxious about the laproscopic surgeyr since I'll be under general anethiesia and the worst news we'll hear is simply... the HSG results have been confirmed. What's causing anxiety now is entering the world of In-vitro fertilization. I knew what it was before, but now that I'm reading and researching with the intent of entering that world... its a entirely different ball game. I could write an entire book on the emotions and fears and worries. Nathan is threatening to cancel our internet because I cannot stop reading stuff and that tends to lead to more and more anxiety. But right now, there's so much to consider. There's the financial aspect as well as finances with the risk of multiples. There are also no guarantees with IVF. Then you get into the more specific decisions associated with IVF, like what to do with the unused eggs/embryos. I'm just finding that its not that simple to say, Sure... sign me up.

Then there's adoption. Adoption is something I've also felt very strongly about. And even if we do decide to pursue In-Vitro, we'll probably only do it once, then adopt the rest of our children. But its not that easy to give up on creating life between you and the person you love and married.

I remember writing something in a past post, but when I looked back I couldn't seem to find it. Anyway... back when I first started going to the doctor about our infertility, (that still hurts to write) I said something along the lines of, we have no desire to pursue fertility treatments. I always said, if we could not have biological children of my own, we'd simply adopt without pursuing treatment of IVF. I'm really starting to truly understand the phrase never say never. I said it about moving to Michigan, too. Will it work if I say I never want to move back to KY/TN??? Can I trick the system of never.

So there you have a tiny little glimpse of where I am at with everything right now.